self portrait on a rainy night

it's time for some big CHANGES...
the roof started leaking... right into our kitchen the other night...
walmart & cvs don't carry advil allergy/sinus... walgreens does...
ballet makes my hips hurt... ballet + running makes it worse...
i haven't seen my nieces in a couple of weeks... i miss them...
i don't know if what i want is because i want it or because it's been dangled in front of me so many times and now it's gone for good...

really this is just a list of complaints... sorry... next posts should be happier... or @ least less random.

this time of year

Psalm 34:18
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

i wish so much on days like today that Gabe were here to take care of me. 3 years ago he sent me that scripture when i was having a very difficult time. today is a difficult time. i don’t like to cry. i haven’t in a while. especially not in front of others. so i held my tears and took what i knew was coming. glimmers of hope mean nothing… only wishful thinking in the end. why couldn’t i say then what i wish i would have now? no… just sat there… not defending myself or the situation. this was supposed to be over already… maybe this time it will stick. God is mysterious as all get out. i don’t understand his plan… & probably never will. i wanted so much to be angry. i can’t be angry. i wanted so much to not be affected. but too much has been invested to feel nothing. so now i just have to finish out my day… sunglasses on… music as loud as my blown speakers will allow.

when given the choice between 2 evils

i'm not as strong as i once was

i made a mistake. for once in my life i didn't hold the conversation... didn't tell my life story... let there be minutes of silence... let questions be asked.. i don't like it when questions are asked... i'm terrible at lying. as long as i'm talking... i can say what i want the listener to hear... avoid the points no one needs to know... be in control of me.

i ate 2 cookies in bed this morning as i read chapter 8 of my required reading for tomorrow's class. it was wonderful to feel so comfortable [in that all too familiar situation]. it was false. i'll find out in a day or two or 9 what i knew before my phone even rang.

we all slip up and and allow ourselves to be human... allow our guard to fall and let our heart show. sad. something as beautiful as vulnerability is seen as such a bad thing.



song i can't stop playing: "the gift" by seether

"aunt nell i'm the reason you're frustrated aren't i?"

eventhough they don't always cooperate... my babies are still my world...

Things that make me laugh

my papa got a “new” car recently. a 97 chevy metro… a hideous gold/yellow/orange/bronze color unnamed even by Crayola. it’s funny to watch my papa… who isn’t a small man by any standard… climb into the little car. anyway! he had a few problems with the car when he got it. fixing the normal things all cars that are about 10 years old need. for some reason though… the check engine light kept coming on. after wracking his brain and getting completely pissed off… he finally took the car to autozone where they hooked it up to the computer to find out what censor was acting up. turns out he needed a new gas cap. while waiting on the gas cap to come in he place a piece of black tape over the check engine light by the speedometer. love the papa and his out of sight type of philosophy… think I’d of had to do the same thing if it were me :)

V A L E N T I N E S D A Y

orphan Annie and i spent our valentines day/snow day together.

@ least i will be able to tell my grandchildren that OSU canceled school for 1.5 days while i went there. the last time OSU canceled school was around this time in 2003... & prior to that it'd been over 20 years.

because we got 6+ inches of snow and then 1+ inches of ice on top of that people have come up with the most ingenious ways to create snow men/forts. they broke up the layer of ice and then stacked the inch+ thick slabs like stones.

this winter baffles me. why is it that now we're getting inches & inches of snow & it was 50 degrees on Christmas? i still hold true to the threat i send miss dianna's way when she makes me mad... that i'll move to maine... there i'd know how to dress my children... for cold or colder.

so i didn't have a valentine this year. don't believe i had one the year before or the year before that either. i'm not in any rush to find one for next year. if i find one... WONDERFUL... if not... i'm finally to the point in my life where i'm comfortable w/just being me... so i'm pretty happy regardless.

NEW ADDICTIONS - DIET ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK [love love love it!]
NEW HAIR STYLE - POODLE CURLY [which tames down in about one day & looks decent instead of ridiculous]
NEW FOOTWEAR - BIG BLUE BARN BOOTS [they keep the snow out]