this time of year

Psalm 34:18
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

i wish so much on days like today that Gabe were here to take care of me. 3 years ago he sent me that scripture when i was having a very difficult time. today is a difficult time. i don’t like to cry. i haven’t in a while. especially not in front of others. so i held my tears and took what i knew was coming. glimmers of hope mean nothing… only wishful thinking in the end. why couldn’t i say then what i wish i would have now? no… just sat there… not defending myself or the situation. this was supposed to be over already… maybe this time it will stick. God is mysterious as all get out. i don’t understand his plan… & probably never will. i wanted so much to be angry. i can’t be angry. i wanted so much to not be affected. but too much has been invested to feel nothing. so now i just have to finish out my day… sunglasses on… music as loud as my blown speakers will allow.