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for the longest time i told myself i would NEVER get married... NEVER have kids. i was scared. scared to be left. scared to not be the mother i was supposed to be.

i admire my mother most in the world... & i know she doesn't always get treated the way she should be by my father... & so in my crazy twisted mind i decided that if the woman i aspire to be is treated that way... than there is no way i would ever deserve to have a good man... let alone expect that man to be a decent father.

when i went to italy i still didn't think i wanted kids. the girls who went with me ridiculed me saying that i was being so selfish for not wanting kids. i never understood them. how is it selfish to NOT bring a child into the world when you know he or she will not have a good life... when you know you are not emotionally or financially stable enough to provide for a helpless human being? i think it much much much more selfish to bring that child into the world when you know you are not capable.

now all i want in this world is to settle down & have a family. i know just because my mom's life isn't what it should be... doesn't mean mine can't be something beautiful. it just takes careful footing when your emotions try to slip you up. my sister found an amazing man... who is a wonderful father... now i'm crossing my fingers i will be just as fortunate. :)

if not... i have 2 beautiful nieces who are my world... & no matter what i'll find happiness somewhere.

all my ♥