zyklen - damn it eggs

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back to the beginnings... questioning...

just walk away... fate

fate. what the hell is fate? i've been watching the soap opera "passions" off & on since it first aired way back in the day. [don't judge... we all have our guilty pleasures!] one of the main characters is always preaching about "fate" & how things are supposed to happen for a reason. the only problem with this idea... that things are supposed to happen for a reason... is that WE as humans tend to take "fate" or rather this abstract idea into our own hands. we all want things to happen a certain way. when the situation seems out of reach we grab onto every little clue which points in the direction that what we want is really what's best for us. we call this fate. really we're just setting ourselves up for disappointment [I'M SICK OF BEING DISAPPOINTED]. i don't know if things are supposed to happen for a reason. i don't know if there is someone out there we're "destined" for. i don't know. call it the beauty of life. call it stupid & a flaw in the make up of time.

i do know however that what we want usually isn't the best for us. those clues have so far pointed me in the opposite direction of what i need. & maybe just maybe this weekend when i made a total ass of myself by letting my fate believing, passions watching, rediculously emotional side take over i was really just giving myself a reality check. instead of putting all my hope into other people and "fate"... i need to first fulfill my prior comitments... & understand that i will never be able to change the not knowing the future part of my life... & enjoy the ride... however bumpy it may be.

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for the longest time i told myself i would NEVER get married... NEVER have kids. i was scared. scared to be left. scared to not be the mother i was supposed to be.

i admire my mother most in the world... & i know she doesn't always get treated the way she should be by my father... & so in my crazy twisted mind i decided that if the woman i aspire to be is treated that way... than there is no way i would ever deserve to have a good man... let alone expect that man to be a decent father.

when i went to italy i still didn't think i wanted kids. the girls who went with me ridiculed me saying that i was being so selfish for not wanting kids. i never understood them. how is it selfish to NOT bring a child into the world when you know he or she will not have a good life... when you know you are not emotionally or financially stable enough to provide for a helpless human being? i think it much much much more selfish to bring that child into the world when you know you are not capable.

now all i want in this world is to settle down & have a family. i know just because my mom's life isn't what it should be... doesn't mean mine can't be something beautiful. it just takes careful footing when your emotions try to slip you up. my sister found an amazing man... who is a wonderful father... now i'm crossing my fingers i will be just as fortunate. :)

if not... i have 2 beautiful nieces who are my world... & no matter what i'll find happiness somewhere.

all my ♥