[and bad hair days]

i scream - you scream

2007-07-16T00:04:00.000-04:00

today was national ice cream day?
or so said the news while i ate my Chinese food @ the China buffet in my home town.
my roomie and i spent all morning/afternoon scooping ice cream at the local grocery store to raise money for the run we will be doing all of August. the ice cream was too hard/cold/old to be easy to dip... and the grocery store isn't as busy since the Walmart became a SUPER Walmart... so within 6 hours we sold less than a total of 50 cones. a funny story came from one of the women who stopped to talk to us. i guess i'm viewed as too big for my small town. during the run my roomie will be running 700 miles and biking 400 within a 35 day time frame. whenever she is running i will be biking beside her. we will be both camping out when we don't have someone we know within the vicinity. the description the woman gave of how she imagined me biking during the trip almost had me in tears i was laughing so much. i would have an umbrella above my head to shade me from the sun, a tube running to my special mixed drink so i don't get parched, and Chenille sunglasses to protect my delicate eyes. that description sounds pretty true to what people would view me as. oh well... 88 counties later i'll be the one laughing when i'm viewed as more than just that girl in stilettos and her nose in a book.

if you want to be happy...

2007-06-04T00:28:00.000-04:00

... and you aren't... you probably have a big decision ahead of you.

why would you choose to be unhappy. that just seems odd to me.

so if you aren't happy it only makes sense that you're stuck... trying to figure out which is the less of two evils. truth be told... usually one isn't evil... it's just scary.

it takes that leap though to find out what you're made of... to find out what's in store for your future.

don't be stuck. it's better to move on with your life and enjoy every moment than to stay unhappy. if you choose wrong... so what. you've moved on... something many people never have the courage to do.

i am happy. no matter what happens i've moved beyond a part of my life that was so much more wrong than wrong could ever be. hopefully soon my baby sister will be as happy as i am. her heart is too beautiful to feel as broken as it has for so long.

1 box fan and all windows open

2007-05-28T14:44:00.000-04:00

"She says when she dreams it's always a little girl in the third high chair at the dinner table."

I cannot imagine my sister as anything other than a mother with beautiful babies. By the time I was in kindergarten she had moved away for college. By the time I was in 4th grade she was married. By the time I was entering my 6th grade year she had given birth to her first baby girl. Our family isn't conventional by today's standards... parents still married... 11 years between children. There is something about the women in our family though... the older we get the more difficult it is to have kids. Not so great for me because I'm no where near settling... not at all wonderful for Miss Kendra Jean considering her and her husband want a third and have been trying for @ least 3 years now.

Take it as it comes. Pray that God will mold your wants to the physical ability your body possesses. Bask in the sunshine because spring is finally over and summer brings out everything that can make a small-town-girl smile.

ello [on a new relationship]

2007-05-19T11:09:00.000-04:00

i don't know where this puts me. i know who i've been, where i am, and what i am... but where this puts me now i have no clue. maybe sometimes it's just better to sleep off the buzz and the feelings that rise to the surface when you drink a bit more than a lot. i've been smiling a lot lately. ask bobert or any other who sees me bopping around the lab. i wouldn't change a thing... not a damn thing... i won't change it. i know what i want and it's fairly simple:

1. to graduate w/my bfa and go onto grad school
2. work at a university in the arts department
3. buy a tiny little house
4. live more simply than extravagantly
5. settle down
6. have a family
7. be happy more so than sad

not too much to ask. i'm not scared of this... i waited because i wanted to make sure it was right... it is. i've been screwed over too many times to do it to anyone else again. if there's one thing i've learned... being scared is a way your mind tries to protect you... but if you live completely in fear you will never live... and then what's the point. feeling is not a bad thing. it makes the journey worth the trek. if you are afraid to feel... than sit back and watch my story unfold... because i have enough emotion for 3 people.

be honest with yourself and those you are involved with. as long as you do that the hurt doesn't hurt so much... and the highs will be the most incredible times you've ever had.

once upon a time...

2007-05-08T20:45:00.000-04:00

... i ran away to california. i must have been 17. it must have been a dream too... because i've never been ferther west than texas... and that wasn't until i was 21. my favorite places in the world seem to be places you would be unable to find unless you'd been there already. i imagine there are places like this in california. i will have to have someone take me there someday... show me some of these types of places... so if things ever get to be too much here in ohio... i don't have to dream about california... i can just go there.
... the end...

my finger turned purple today... that can't be good

2007-05-07T23:23:00.000-04:00

i bought my first pair of grown up jeans on Friday. went into a store i never visit... they are dark denim, stitched the same way my mother taught me was best... very plain and just skim the floor in my 4" heels. i love the way a new pair of long jeans feel.

i'm too tired for funny antidotes, silly stories, or even 1 of the hundred mind boggling epiphanies that i stumbled upon this weekend. so i'm going to bed.

long time coming

2007-05-04T12:04:00.000-04:00

SHANNON FLOWER POLAROIDMISS KENDRA JEAN - POLAROIDS
MISS DIANNA + KENDRA JEAN - POLAROIDS

MISS DIANNA - POLAROIDS

everything is better in Polaroid

2007-04-12T02:17:00.000-04:00

Thank God for my friends. THANK GOD FOR THEM. It's so easy to get caught up in what all the "signs" are pointing to... even when the "signs" are wrong. Being able to do the right thing... being able to be there for them like they've been there for me makes me happy. As much as I don't like to admit it... when my blood family is so far away... the people who are close to me become my family... as much as they don't want to believe it. I love my family... real and those falling into the "because they're close" category.

I've been going over my mother's history... her life... all through old pictures and film. Lots of what she's been trying to tell me without really explaining comes out in the photos. She... at my age... already was married and had a three year old. Many pictures she is smiling in... many she is not. She was a strong woman to go against what her parents wanted to do what was right. Her faith is ridiculous [as is my sister's]. Being away so long I never realized how much of her strength comes from her upbringing in the church... from God. I aspire to be the women who have come before me... my grandmothers... my mother... my sister. Because their lives turned out one way doesn't mean mine will the same... doesn't mean I cannot hope for something more. It does mean though... that the mistakes they have made I do not have to make. That the base line was drawn... and because of their choices I have the whole world in front of me.

POLAROIDS TO COME TOMORROW! :)

don't say "just"

2007-04-07T23:57:00.001-04:00

i've missed home so much. i haven't been back in a while... @ least not back for more than 24 hours @ a time. i drove home the way i used to when i was 18 and stupid. everything's changing since they're putting in the highway. i hate the idea of less country to enjoy. no matter how much i hate getting behind slow traffic because the road is only 2 lanes... the fact that it's only 2 lanes makes me happy. you drive with your shoes off and crank the country tunes... changing stations about 3 times because of distance.
we used to drive to Columbus once a week for me to take ice skating lessons. on those many drives i found a house i said i would buy when i grew up. it was a gorgeous old farm house with big windows and a green roof. i passed it coming home today... and it's just a shell of a house. it's getting torn down for the highway. guess i'll just have to find another green roofed house to live in.

April Fool's day is just another excuse to...

2007-04-01T22:46:00.000-04:00

trick me into falling for you for the 74th time...

i have been searching, what seems like, all my life for good enough. i am no closer now to knowing what that is than when i was head over feet in love four years ago. [i understand now what i thought was love then was a kind of relationship that was unable to grow... and so both him and i have moved on.] i try and try and try to become this good enough i so want to be... that others expect. i have changed my appearance over the years. i have had short hair, long hair, all types of make-up... and thanks to using running as a stress reliever i am not a terrible size. i am not a bad person... i am a good friend and someday will make a wonderful mother. i am driven... in a year i will be done with school... i have been able to take something i love doing and made it something i can build into a lovely career. myself as a person i wouldn't change. there are a few things i would like to work on... but that's just growth. so why can't i just be good enough damn it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: don't believe the man who cried buffalo... because buffaloes have been extinct since long before i was born. good enough will happen when i accept everything above and stop comparing myself to others. we all have our insecurities... we all have trust issues... it's human to. finding happiness in being human is the goal.

above picture by Allie... she is awesome... the end.

spring in ohio

2007-03-26T00:46:00.000-04:00

dotting the T's and crossing the I's

2007-03-23T23:21:00.000-04:00

I am so angry at myself. I let the person I promised myself I would never let back in in. I feel so special when I'm with him. So stupid when I realize nothing has changed. I tell my friends he has a good heart. They don't believe me. How could someone with a good heart KNOWINGLY hurt another over and over. I figured it all out on my way to meet up with my baby sis today in YCITY. It doesn't matter how good someone's heart or intentions are. If they don't consult that wonderful heart of theirs... forget all about the situations past... they are simply human. When it all boils down... none of us are perfect. I've just got to stop answering my phone... listen to those who really care about me... and maybe move out of the city for good.

PHOTOBOOTH

2007-03-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

Life is too short to not have fun being rediculous!!!!

PHOTOBOOTH PROJECT 2007 - OSU Art and Photo Majors

missing home

2007-03-07T02:14:00.000-05:00

you will find me when i want to be alone in a place far from this city that i am beginning to dread. it is more sacred than the bus or breeze point. it is a place i've only taken 2 people... which @ this point in my life i regret... but they needed to go there to understand even slightly why my heart will never be grounded. now that the snow has melted it is safe once again to go to this place. i have cried many times there. always alone... but not really. i believe it is where my guardian angel resides... and comforts me best. in two weeks i will go. i don't even have to wonder if a simple walk up an overgrown hill to this place will clear my head... i know it will.

faith is such an amazing thing. what we believe in... what we cannot see but just know... it is beautiful. i know what i want... i know what i feel... and i know God will keep my heart from breaking too terribly if what i want is not real. He will not allow me to go through more than i can handle. i am forever grateful for this faith.

[below are 4 of the stained glass windows @ Keene... they sent me a care package today... it made me smile and miss home]

a story from Allie

2007-03-02T15:32:00.000-05:00

Below is a story of Allie's niece... c/o her sister.

So, funny story for you...Belle has been sleeping in her tent for the past couple of nights, and last night Nick went to check on her, all of a sudden I hear, "Abbie you better come up here" So I walk into Belle's room and it smells really good, like flowers and fruit or whatever. Well then I look over at her bed and there is this huge wet tan stain on her sheets, her wall, her babies, and her nightstand. I look a little closer and then I see ALL of my makeup scattered around the room. So I go into the tent and say "Belle, what did you do?" So my little makeup artist pulls back the covers and she is covered in makeup--all over her cheeks and forehead--really pretty! So I am trying not to laugh, because I am mad, but it was hilarious as you can imagine. Then I find an empty bottle of toner and ask her what she did with it. She tells me "I poured it all over my pants because it feels really good!" So, I am cleaning things up and I spot a maxi pad that she found and opened up, an, and before I can grab it she does and hurries under the covers with it to snuggle, because "it's really soft." What can I do? She is a maniac!!!

BOBERT AND CHRISTINA'S SENIOR SHOW!!!!

2007-03-01T11:58:00.000-05:00

self portrait on a rainy night

2007-02-27T01:58:00.000-05:00

it's time for some big CHANGES...
the roof started leaking... right into our kitchen the other night...
walmart & cvs don't carry advil allergy/sinus... walgreens does...
ballet makes my hips hurt... ballet + running makes it worse...
i haven't seen my nieces in a couple of weeks... i miss them...
i don't know if what i want is because i want it or because it's been dangled in front of me so many times and now it's gone for good...

really this is just a list of complaints... sorry... next posts should be happier... or @ least less random.

this time of year

2007-02-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

Psalm 34:18
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

i wish so much on days like today that Gabe were here to take care of me. 3 years ago he sent me that scripture when i was having a very difficult time. today is a difficult time. i don’t like to cry. i haven’t in a while. especially not in front of others. so i held my tears and took what i knew was coming. glimmers of hope mean nothing… only wishful thinking in the end. why couldn’t i say then what i wish i would have now? no… just sat there… not defending myself or the situation. this was supposed to be over already… maybe this time it will stick. God is mysterious as all get out. i don’t understand his plan… & probably never will. i wanted so much to be angry. i can’t be angry. i wanted so much to not be affected. but too much has been invested to feel nothing. so now i just have to finish out my day… sunglasses on… music as loud as my blown speakers will allow.

when given the choice between 2 evils

2007-02-18T22:37:00.000-05:00

i'm not as strong as i once was

i made a mistake. for once in my life i didn't hold the conversation... didn't tell my life story... let there be minutes of silence... let questions be asked.. i don't like it when questions are asked... i'm terrible at lying. as long as i'm talking... i can say what i want the listener to hear... avoid the points no one needs to know... be in control of me.

i ate 2 cookies in bed this morning as i read chapter 8 of my required reading for tomorrow's class. it was wonderful to feel so comfortable [in that all too familiar situation]. it was false. i'll find out in a day or two or 9 what i knew before my phone even rang.

we all slip up and and allow ourselves to be human... allow our guard to fall and let our heart show. sad. something as beautiful as vulnerability is seen as such a bad thing.

song i can't stop playing: "the gift" by seether

"aunt nell i'm the reason you're frustrated aren't i?"

2007-02-16T23:42:00.000-05:00

eventhough they don't always cooperate... my babies are still my world...

Things that make me laugh

2007-02-15T11:01:00.000-05:00

my papa got a “new” car recently. a 97 chevy metro… a hideous gold/yellow/orange/bronze color unnamed even by Crayola. it’s funny to watch my papa… who isn’t a small man by any standard… climb into the little car. anyway! he had a few problems with the car when he got it. fixing the normal things all cars that are about 10 years old need. for some reason though… the check engine light kept coming on. after wracking his brain and getting completely pissed off… he finally took the car to autozone where they hooked it up to the computer to find out what censor was acting up. turns out he needed a new gas cap. while waiting on the gas cap to come in he place a piece of black tape over the check engine light by the speedometer. love the papa and his out of sight type of philosophy… think I’d of had to do the same thing if it were me :)

V A L E N T I N E S D A Y

2007-02-15T00:54:00.000-05:00

orphan Annie and i spent our valentines day/snow day together.

@ least i will be able to tell my grandchildren that OSU canceled school for 1.5 days while i went there. the last time OSU canceled school was around this time in 2003... & prior to that it'd been over 20 years.

because we got 6+ inches of snow and then 1+ inches of ice on top of that people have come up with the most ingenious ways to create snow men/forts. they broke up the layer of ice and then stacked the inch+ thick slabs like stones.

this winter baffles me. why is it that now we're getting inches & inches of snow & it was 50 degrees on Christmas? i still hold true to the threat i send miss dianna's way when she makes me mad... that i'll move to maine... there i'd know how to dress my children... for cold or colder.

so i didn't have a valentine this year. don't believe i had one the year before or the year before that either. i'm not in any rush to find one for next year. if i find one... WONDERFUL... if not... i'm finally to the point in my life where i'm comfortable w/just being me... so i'm pretty happy regardless.

NEW ADDICTIONS - DIET ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK [love love love it!]
NEW HAIR STYLE - POODLE CURLY [which tames down in about one day & looks decent instead of ridiculous]
NEW FOOTWEAR - BIG BLUE BARN BOOTS [they keep the snow out]

early enough - point of control

2006-11-17T07:38:00.000-05:00

they told me to be careful with you - that you were something special - your heart was fragile & beautiful

i gave into you - let you into my broken heart

but they never warned you to be careful with me - figured i was the one who would hurt you - how could someone who's walls are as high as heaven and run deeper than hell be hurt

but you gave up on yourself - stopped being the man you told me you hoped to be - and so gave up on me - and believing i was someone worth treating worthwhile

months past - i never gave up - was still careful with you as my walls fell with my world

a woman's worth - something i learned very young - is nothing - to you i was nothing

zyklen - damn it eggs

2006-10-18T15:20:00.000-04:00

Watch the video

back to the beginnings... questioning...

just walk away... fate

2006-10-16T23:39:00.000-04:00

fate. what the hell is fate? i've been watching the soap opera "passions" off & on since it first aired way back in the day. [don't judge... we all have our guilty pleasures!] one of the main characters is always preaching about "fate" & how things are supposed to happen for a reason. the only problem with this idea... that things are supposed to happen for a reason... is that WE as humans tend to take "fate" or rather this abstract idea into our own hands. we all want things to happen a certain way. when the situation seems out of reach we grab onto every little clue which points in the direction that what we want is really what's best for us. we call this fate. really we're just setting ourselves up for disappointment [I'M SICK OF BEING DISAPPOINTED]. i don't know if things are supposed to happen for a reason. i don't know if there is someone out there we're "destined" for. i don't know. call it the beauty of life. call it stupid & a flaw in the make up of time.

i do know however that what we want usually isn't the best for us. those clues have so far pointed me in the opposite direction of what i need. & maybe just maybe this weekend when i made a total ass of myself by letting my fate believing, passions watching, rediculously emotional side take over i was really just giving myself a reality check. instead of putting all my hope into other people and "fate"... i need to first fulfill my prior comitments... & understand that i will never be able to change the not knowing the future part of my life... & enjoy the ride... however bumpy it may be.

70.32.48.249

2006-10-07T02:36:00.000-04:00

for the longest time i told myself i would NEVER get married... NEVER have kids. i was scared. scared to be left. scared to not be the mother i was supposed to be.

i admire my mother most in the world... & i know she doesn't always get treated the way she should be by my father... & so in my crazy twisted mind i decided that if the woman i aspire to be is treated that way... than there is no way i would ever deserve to have a good man... let alone expect that man to be a decent father.

when i went to italy i still didn't think i wanted kids. the girls who went with me ridiculed me saying that i was being so selfish for not wanting kids. i never understood them. how is it selfish to NOT bring a child into the world when you know he or she will not have a good life... when you know you are not emotionally or financially stable enough to provide for a helpless human being? i think it much much much more selfish to bring that child into the world when you know you are not capable.

now all i want in this world is to settle down & have a family. i know just because my mom's life isn't what it should be... doesn't mean mine can't be something beautiful. it just takes careful footing when your emotions try to slip you up. my sister found an amazing man... who is a wonderful father... now i'm crossing my fingers i will be just as fortunate. :)

if not... i have 2 beautiful nieces who are my world... & no matter what i'll find happiness somewhere.

all my &hearts;

don't tempt a girl...

2006-09-28T00:07:00.000-04:00

don't tempt a girl on a bad day
when all it takes is a music video on vh1
to make her throw everything she's holding
onto the ground
& stomp to the kitchen

drinking a wine slushy
doesn't sound all that bad
considering we put
last weeks wine
in the freezer
because the open bottle was too tall
for the refrigerator
and if sat on its side
the wine
would end up all over
so instead we have wine slushies

but back to the point
it's better to tempt a girl
on a good day
when she's not emotional
& things are less messy
she says no
she says yes
& in the morning everyone forgets
anything ever happened
rather than trying to remember
what happened the night before

everything in due time

2006-08-19T14:37:00.000-04:00

in the past months... i'd fallen away from my faith... so much so that i wasn't even talking to God anymore. that sounds so terrible to me... thinking of where i'd let my life end up... but in the midst of me being a terrible person... there was one prayer i'd pray... a selfish one... but one @ that.

today... my prayer was answered. :) & not in a way where you could take the answer which ever direction you want to... it was loud and clear... & not necessarily the answer i'd been hoping for. amazingly enough... i've been waiting so long for any answer... i'm happy to have one... to have some closure in my life... & the ability to move on.

today is a good day. i'm going to go to Zanesville to reunite w/my sister... going to go home to visit with the rest of my family... & i'm going to be happier than i've been in quite a while.

caught off guard

2006-07-25T21:24:00.000-04:00

so i found out today the man i was supposed to marry... the man i was engaged to... who i broke off my engagement with... got married about a month back.

that's wonderful.

i'm sure he's happy and i'm sure she was beautiful in her white dress walking down the aisle to become his wife. i just don't know quite what to think. i'm not sad, or angry, or happy... i just keep thinking that could have been me. i don't know how to take that.

guess it's finally time for me to move on... forget the bad things... remember the good things... & find something that makes me happy.

tonight i wasn't going to drink... but now i will... simply toasting what could have been... what wasn't... & the happiness to follow because it didn't... for all.

my ex + me... over 2 years ago

[ star light... star bright ]

2006-07-20T23:23:00.000-04:00

when i was little... i would wish on the first star i saw in the sky at night... the last star i saw in the morning. i would never be able to wish in that moment though... was always afraid if i wished for one thing... the next second i'd realize i should have wished for something else. so... to save myself the anxiety and disappointment i would "wish for 2 wishes... & wish to save one wish." as of now... i probably have hundreds of wishes saved up in some wish savings account in the cosmos. what good did those wishes do for me if i never cashed them out? by the time i figured out what i "really wanted" i was too old to believe that wishing upon a star really worked. now i wish for the next big exciting event to be now... wish for the past... wish my life away. it does no good. when i stopped believing wishes came true... i lost the pin # to my account @ that bank in the cosmos.

silly and sad all @ the same time.

SALE SALE SALE

2006-07-06T23:54:00.000-04:00

FOR SALE:

[one broken heart]
duct-taped
straight pinned
& super glued back together

offers welcome

oh... a return

2006-06-27T22:34:00.000-04:00

b r e a k d o w n

2006-06-09T16:47:00.000-04:00

- every now & again it is necessary to disappear -

- be back in a week or so -

you aren't the brightest babydoll

2006-06-06T23:50:00.000-04:00

yes... burning bridges is a bad idea. especially when you're playing with matches and don't even realize it.

i am an angry person. a bitter person. a not so nice person. i forget to tell people that sometimes. maybe if i had a disclaimer tattooed on my forehead... i wouldn't get myself into so much trouble... wouldn't hurt people.

---- ---------
--------- ----

so don't leave matches lying around for silly people like me to get ahold of. it's for the best.

just random snip-its from my day

2006-06-05T01:39:00.000-04:00

TIPS FOR THE DAY

don't smoke cigars if you plan on running the next day
running on pavement = a terrible idea for joints... the elliptical is the way to go
chapstick is awesome... esp. BURT'S BEES
naps are a necessity
always check your voicemail - you might just have one saying "love you bye" - checking this can/could keep you from being such an angry person
finding random cookies in people's freezers and then baking them can be quite entertaining
don't take your digital camera into a running shower to record how the water drips down the walls... it's just a bad idea
falling up the stairs hurts just as much as falling down the stairs - tell everyone you know when you do... so they can have a good laugh
sleep with your cell phone right next to your ear... that way you won't miss that important call you've been waiting on...
love your friends to death... because they will do anything for you... they love you to death

cydney nicole - the love of my life

2006-05-31T18:26:00.000-04:00

this is my babydoll... my namesake... the rotten little one who says she's taped to me & that i can't ever leave her... way back when she was a baby :)

kimmie jo on relationships

2006-05-31T15:42:00.000-04:00

YYYYYYYYY YYYY

KIMMIE JO: "so i thought they made better boys out there. real boyfriend material... not the charity cases we seem to run after."

YYYY YYYYYYYYY

2006-05-31T14:53:00.000-04:00

mirror mirror

Watch the video

... on the wall...

how much time a day do we really spend looking in the mirror, getting ready, scrutinizing the way we look?

... make me something more than this...

chicken little

2006-05-31T13:23:00.000-04:00

so it is very possible that i had a concussion on monday. basically i went into work... & the sky fell... because old navy is evil. not really. one of the girls i work with accidently dropped a bar that was about 5' long and 1.5" in diameter from about 10 feet above me onto my head. i got to leave early... but couldn't drive home. i refused to go to the dr. i've had enough head x-rays in my life for 3 people and i got sick the last time i had to have one. so after angela drove me home i had to stay awake... because apparently if you sleep & you have a concussion you might go into a coma. granted... that way i could have an excuse to miss finals & get all caught up on my rest... but still a bad idea i suppose.

my poor poor mother. living an hour & a half away... having to talk to me on the phone for several hours to keep me from falling asleep... and worrying all the while. so that day... me & the large lump that had formed on my head... were a total waste of space.

the end

2006-05-31T11:38:00.000-04:00

sparta

Watch the video

... my parents' story...

2006-05-30T21:13:00.000-04:00

this is how i feel [fat tuesday II]

Watch the video

everyone breaks down... even the amazing me...

"your life is perfect bella"

2006-05-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

really there's no use trying to prove a point to drunk people.

1. they either are so drunk they won't back down & you can't prove your point...
or
2. they're so drunk they don't care & they've left by the time your point is proven

so yeah... i took it upon myself late last night to walk about 38 blocks... in 4" heels... alone... through the city. why? to try & prove a point i've been trying to make all year to my friends... i can handle myself. problem w/the whole thing... i know they'd be upset w/me any other day... because they don't want people in big silver vans kidnapping me. but their attitude last night was scenario #2... too drunk to care. not such a fulfilling victory... especially considering my feet were bleeding by the time i got home... & i think i might have made someone pretty special a bit angry.

so i know they sell band-aids for blisters now... but do they come in -extra super sized- for janella's pride?

procrastination [is my middle name]

2006-05-25T06:20:00.000-04:00

so it's almost 6:30. i don't feel so great... & i don't want to write this 5 page paper that is due in 6 hours. i called off work [oops]. but i've learned from past quarters that school work should come first. & i am a hard worker... so the company will just have to understand. if not... i'll be starting my summer job [that i'm super excited about] in mid June. :)

so back to my paper... it's for a chemistry class. i always loved my science classes... might have even gone into some sort of science major... that is until my sophomore year of high school. i had mr. [insert name of teacher you hated]. he was a complete know it all jerk. i didn't appreciate him much. when i was 16 and got into a car accident where the car was totaled [it rolled & the driver's side, where i was sitting, was all smashed in] he decided to take it into his own hands and "teach me a lesson" my first day back to his class. right after the bell rings, when he should be starting the lecture... he gets the class's attention and then addresses me. "so ms. [insert my last name] i hear you learned a physics lesson the other night." mind you, that at this point i've gone through many x-rays, can't eat, can't sleep, my nerves are shot, and my dad won't look @ or speak to me. i just looked @ him in disbelief thinking there's no way in hell you're going to do this to me right now. when he knew he was getting to me he continued, "you learned about friction with gravel and car tires." @ this point i should have just walked out of his class... but i didn't... i responded "no... i learned about fusion... of glass... into my skull... thanks so much." he wouldn't let me have any satisfaction and continued, "no, no you learned about friction," turned, and started writing problems on the board. since then i've hated chemistry [slash all science]. it's a shame too... i could have cured cancer.

seeing as i've just killed about a half hour of precious paper writing time... i do believe procrastination is my middle name... and sadly... i must get back to my chem paper... fun times.

how color makes me feel

2006-05-24T21:03:00.000-04:00

i love my RED room.
it makes me happy.
it was a labor of love fall quarter taping off all the carpet, living without doors and window blinds, and painting whenever i found the time.
even after 2 coats of paint you could still see the doodles we added as we trimmed out the room.
now my room is eggshell.
eggshell is boring.
it reminds me that i'll be moving out of my first official appartment in a little over a week.
that makes me sad.
i've decided in my first official house i MUST have a red room.
it will make me a happy.

dancing alone

2006-05-24T19:36:00.000-04:00

on a rainy wednesday evening - why study - when you can dance - alone

Watch the Video

flip flop [a love letter]

2006-05-23T23:40:00.000-04:00

it isn't difficult to make a boy fall in love with you. every girl knows how to play the game... & it can be fun sometimes. you bat your eye lashes... smile... get that glimmer when he looks at you [that makes him think you're falling for him]... tell him [what he thinks are] your deepest secrets. in all of this the guy thinks he has you wrapped around his little finger... when really you could leave @ any moment... giving you all the power he thinks he has.

that being said... it isn't fun being on the receiving end of this "game" we all seem to play in hopes of guarding our hearts any sort of real feeling. i know real love exists. i see it in my aunt & uncle... in my sister & brother-in-law... so i know there is hope... but being the bitter woman i am @ this point in my life i refuse to believe it.

but what happens when you cross that line in the game... where you can't "just leave"? when you actually start falling for that guy? & what if you aren't ready and the situation is complicated. i guess no one ever is ready for life when it hits you... & everything in its entirety is complicated.

i still don't like the idea of not being in control. messing with peoples hearts shouldn't be a game. loosing hurts too much.

something beautiful

2006-05-17T15:22:00.000-04:00

a coworker told me the other day that every woman is the most beautiful woman in the world. eventhough i agree with her that each and every one of us is something special... and we should love ourselves for who we are inside rather than try to be what the media projects we be... blah blah blah... i still find myself unhappy.

[insert cute ending and insite here]

they only gave me a case # because i reminded them to

2006-05-16T22:26:00.000-04:00

i promise that while being this rediculous shade of angry [i haven't been in quite a while]... that i will not run you over with my car

the above was in response to my computer [that i've had for less than a year] crashing. technology is evil... especially compaq computers. the best part of the whole experience was when the lady @ tech support asked me if i had another computer of the exact model handy that i could switch the hard drive to... of course i buy laptop computers in bulk.

this whole experience has taught me that i should never own anything of value that is light enough to throw... because if in an emotional state and asked questions that i feel are stupid... they [the light items of value] somehow end up crashing into my wall :)

maybe i have anger issues... i blame the German in me... he he

some things are sacred...

2006-05-12T12:34:00.000-04:00

so i think i just might have a problem... i'm calling it selective OCD. :) my room is a DISASTER... & I don't care so much... but if one thing is out of order in my closet... i can't sleep @ night. i make no sense.

my "work" area :)

part of my floor

2 of my windows... & the mess that surrounds them

my closet

button up sweaters, button ups, & long-sleeved shirts... in ROY G. BIV order

short sleeved, italy clothes, and dresses

my tank tops... :)

jeans & comphy pants rolled up

it's reather silly i know... & i've had friends come into my room and move one shirt into the wrong place just to see if i'll notice. of course i do. & then the make fun of me. it's one of my quirks... what can i say :)

a mowhawking

2006-05-08T21:26:00.000-04:00

sometimes it's your friends who cause your bad hair days... sometimes it's the margaritas... sometimes both...

Watch the Video

grown up adventures [in a baby car]

2006-05-07T20:39:00.000-04:00

some days... you just need to drive... really fast... and go nowhere...

Watch the Video

art c/o Cassidy Paige

2006-05-01T15:17:00.001-04:00

i want to live here...

advice

2006-04-30T11:57:00.000-04:00

if you knew one minute before you were going to die... that you would die... and could only give one word of advice to those you loved... what would it be?

going beyond all the obvious things that i tell them all the time - learn very early on the difference between WANT and NEED... and as soon as you NEED something... leave it behind.

Watch the Video

i refuse

2006-04-30T00:03:00.000-04:00

i can't concentrate right now. i haven't been able to all day. too much has gone on in the past 48 hours. story of my life. i wish sometimes that my mind would record everything my eyes see. then i could just show people my crazy adventures - rather than telling them - and it would all be true. i make up scenarios in my head about how i hope the day will go. strangely enough in this past year i usually get the outlandish things i daydream about. the downside is that there is an equalibrium about my world. something beautiful for something ugly. something good for something bad. something strange for something normal. you get the point. so after having what seemed like an amazing weekend - a bomb drops and i'm back to this dizzy state of mind where i don't know what to think and can't do anything. moral of the story - aim low lead an average life - nope i'm lying. every second of bad is worth those seconds where my mind keeps telling me to pinch myself because only in dreams would life be this amazing.

revisited memories

2006-04-19T23:37:00.000-04:00

my grandma passed away over 10 years ago. it's sad. i can't even remember her voice. i know it devistated my mom when she had to see the woman she most admired fade so quickly.

back then i wasn't close with my mom. never thought i would be. now i call her twice a day.

the relationship between mothers and daughters facinates me. you butt heads. you can't stand eachother. you say "oh my God i just sounded exactly like my mom." you eventually understand that even when you don't see eye to eye that you are flesh & blood. you are a part of eachother. & then you end up switching roles and the daughter plays the mother at the end of the mothers life. full circle.

below is a postcard my grandma sent my mom back in the day. nothing special at the time. now however the simple letters that make up her handwriting keep her from fading out of our memory.

missin' home

2006-04-14T00:55:00.000-04:00

my job = not fair... and i might not be able to go home for Easter services w/my family... or even eat with them... so lonely none the less. went looking through some of the photos i took of the Daugherty farm over the summer... & i miss it like crazy.

boycott Old Navy. it's for the best i've decided.